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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 | | 3:10 pm |
The last
I don;t know is this matters anymore. I don;t even know who cares anymore. This will be my last journal entry. Why? Because I have made a mistake. I made a mistake in my actions. and that mistake cost me a VERY dear friend. Never again will I be able to share moments with this person. All because of changes that happened within me and the unfortuinate ability to not cope with or understand what I have become. I hurt again. Hurt like I have felt before and all because of my weaknesses. I want people to know that this was not something I wanted; it was a mistake and I wish with all my heart I could take it back. Alas we are judged by our actions and mine were those of a desprate person; a person desperately clinging to what little he had left of his past. I forced it all away. I miss our talks, I miss our time. For now I have only my memories. I wanted so much to be a part of your life and now It will never happen because of misunderstanding of myself and the inability to communicate. I'm sorry. From the bottom of my soul I am sorry. There will be no comments to this. If any of my friends want to talk or just ask questiosn. My e-mail is there. once again; I wish things could have been different, I wish I never had to change into what I became. | | Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 | | 9:00 am |
Hospital visit and a hard 8 months
I haven't written in here in a while. I think I should now, many of you don't know, although there is someone who does. (and you know who you are.) A few months ago I was involved in an moderate car accident involving me, and apparently a runaway semi. After fixing my car for light damage due to being run off the road and being shipped to the local hospital for a minor head wound I returned to my daily grind. I started having migraine strength headaches almost daily since then. Before AB I went to visit the doctor and had tests run and an MRI. Needless to say I recieved the results this morning and life changes for me in the next 8 months. .... {EDIT} In my addled state of little sleep I realized ( After a phone call or two) This has serious potential to be either something tragic or a sick April fool's joke. I assure you..I totally forgot what day it was and the two thoughts shouuld have been separated. I'm fine. results are not dangerous to me at all AND I'm re-evaluating my situation and setting a deadline of 8 months for myself. I realize that this could have been an awsome Fool's day or "Rick-roll" but, in all honesty I wasn't planning on it. Sorry, My bad. | | Thursday, November 1st, 2007 | | 12:20 am |
ANNOUNCEMENT
Well then, This is it. I have a place when I can put my thoughts in order and write what comes to mind but, apparently this is not so. Apparently this sanctum is actually a place for people to step up on their own moral soapboxes and proceed to tell me what I am thinking and how I'm feeling. My last post was vague, why? I didn't feel like talking about my mundane issues but, since I haden't posted in a while I figured I'd just let people know I was still here. SO what happened? A few of you let you imaginations run wild and decided in your infinate wisdom and god-like clairvoyance what I was thinking and my emotional state at the time I posted. This is MY journal. NOT yours. You have an issue? contact me. I've had the same E-mail address since High School. I have a PHONE too..You could try calling me..Oh wait that's WAY too much trouble for you folks. It's easier to snipe from the internet. Not that you would know how I was feeling anyway since some of you haven't contacted me in YEARS. I don't need any of your "advice". Some of you have no right to even look at my situation and make either assumption or judgment based on your own situations. I listened to one of you at first and chose my path and started to live that way according to that advice; which by the way you contradicted in one of those idiotic posts. Once again. You could contact me. MY GODDAMN E-MAIL IS IN MY PROFILE! You have an issue write me there we'll discuss. When you do things like this it makes me feel like all you want to do is hear yourselves talk and justify your own adgendas. You have your own journals for that put that shit there. If I wanna read it I will. No one's forcing you to read this. I write what I feel and what's going through my mind. So unless any of you is a licenced psychotherapest I suggest you keep the assumptions to yourselves. I don't want to hear them. If you have to know, you could ask in a polite way. I've listened to some pretty shitty advice so far and am dealing with the hand I was delt. You all have your own problems to deal with and some of you are a thousand times farther away from where I am in my life in terms of dealing with it. I can confadantly say while I may not feel good, I can stand. Consider this journal closed till further notice. If you want to know what's going on, show some intitive. There are many ways of contacting me (though I doubt they'll be used) I'm tired of chasing peoples lives and wanting to know what's going on and asking questions; where in my case you apparently decided not to. I realize that not all folks are not involved in this but, I'm tired of catering to people, I don't have time or energy for that right now. For the record...You were All WRONG about what it was that bothered me. | | Thursday, October 25th, 2007 | | 8:34 am |
no details. I just wonder why I even bother sometimes. Bad week, bad month, and it keeps getting worse. | | Thursday, October 18th, 2007 | | 11:27 am |
| | Tuesday, October 9th, 2007 | | 9:28 pm |
ugh..October. Not my favorite month and the work slump isn't helping. I hope something comes up..I need to Save monies. | | Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 | | 10:32 am |
Long week. I've been working hard on lots of things at once. My brian is frazzled. I have a few things done this week art wise. a picture for a friend, a few pages of comic for another. A lot of scribblings. I also found a series that I will be sending to someone I think they'll enjoy it. It seems to fit them well. It's dark and creepy and very very good. My new..obsession I think. The music is great and the pacing is just wow. Well, Phone will be gone soon. The charges have gotten WAY too high to upkeep, when I get a new one, I'll start calling and leaving messages for folks to update their phones. Nothing else. Boring and crappy here as usual. | | Tuesday, September 25th, 2007 | | 10:18 am |
| | Monday, September 24th, 2007 | | 1:32 am |
| | Saturday, September 15th, 2007 | | 12:44 am |
A week
Well..I guess it's been a week. A long week. Nobody but me and the dog. Kinda strange. Being alone now is a lot different than it used to be. I'm not sure if I'm acclimating to it. I know I don't like it. It just feels ..meh. I'm rather unenthuiastic about ..well everything. Got a phone call from a friend today. Really brightened my week. It's good to hear from folks once in a while. Helps validate the old existance. It was nothing specual, no huge breakthroughs, just a nice chat. It felt very good to hear a familiar voice. I know I've said this before but, it is tough out here. So far away from home. I want to go back to a place that's familiar to me. A place that I can call home. I've never been able to say that about anywhere before. Home. A place where I want to be. | | Monday, September 3rd, 2007 | | 1:42 am |
I quit.
I'm a little angry. Why you ask and why this late at night? Well lets just say I've had time to do some thinking, while staring at my cealing. We all have issues. I do, you do, your mom/dad does, your dog. your cat...you get the point. My point is simply this; when you have a person..ANY person, you can talk to about your problems dosen't that make you feel a little better? You know why it feels better?..Because that person cares about you. For one moment in time someone wants to listen to YOU. Deep down we all want to be listened to but, somewhere in society we have drilled into our heads that we have to compare and contrast our issues and problems to everyone elses. "Oh well..i'm having a crap-tastic day..BUT, YOU are obviously WORSE SO..My issues don't count." argh! >.< WHY? Then; you subjegate your own feelings and all the other person wanted was to help you feel like someone cared but, now they feel like they're the one intruding and bothering..and you can see where this awkward circle of events can go. So, I am mad that this has happened to me alot lately. I'm sad that all I've felt in the last week, is hurt, sad, lonely and angry. I've felt nothing really good this week. I've not felt like this for a ..well..I just haven't felt like this for a while. I'm tired of subjugating my feelings. I feel horrible. I hate feeling like this because NOTHING good EVER comes of it. The last time I felt like this it took quite a while to get out of it. So, as I sated I quit. I'm tired of trying to MAKE people feel like someone cares. If you can't figure it out; GO TO SOMEONE ELSE. I'm not wasting time or effort if people just ignore it. It's obvious to me that my efforts are wasted sometimes. Fine. I'm tired and angry. This is just venting because I've nobody here to vent to. I'm going to bed again..hurt and unhappy, to wake up to a busy day trying to put the last week behind me. | | Sunday, September 2nd, 2007 | | 2:53 pm |
God you know, I hate to complain. I really do. I mean looking forward to the future is always something I remind myself of. It just seems lately I'm further away from everything I used to know. I can't focus and it just seems that I'm frighteningly alone. My parents are leaving for a vacation so, I will be truely alone for a week. I just can't connect with ANYONE here. No one shares my intrests and the closet friend is like 10 hours away. I know I'm a very social animal so, this is just killing me. I need to keep busy and maybe I can ignore it. Hit a bump in my life right now...Hopefully that will be smoothed out soon. I had an invitation from a very good friend which I take very seriously and with a very happy heart. That someone would think to extend that kindness to me made me feel just a little better. I hope that soon I can find that spark again. Until I do, I need to keep plodding along and find that spark. It's not that far..but, it always seems just out of my reach. This past week has been hard on me, Harder on others I'm sure. My memories often drift to days past and a friend now gone. It saddens me that my world has become a bit smaller and makes me think about how brief our existance is. | | Monday, August 27th, 2007 | | 6:43 pm |
Crushed
I just found out that a very good friend of mine passed away on saturday. This is the most heart wrenching thing I have faced since I moved here. Nothing has hit me as much. I wish all the best to him on his travels. Godspeed sir, I miss you brother I miss you with all my heart. John Lehey..Rest well man, you deserve it. | | Monday, August 20th, 2007 | | 1:37 am |
Up late, oh well. Trying to sleep. Not much happening here as usual. I'm too far away to be as affected as I am. I guess this are just falling into a rutine. I hate that word. It means stagnant; and stagnant is just another way of giving up slowly. I haven't drawn. I can't write. It's just getting tedious. ::sigh:: I keep thinking of something someone once said to me "Suffering through your work is natural, it's the suffering while NOT working that's the most debilitating." Argh. Suck. | | Monday, August 13th, 2007 | | 9:50 pm |
For some reason...
I found this..not only is it an awsome vid but, it reminds me of how truely AWSOME Beast Wars episode: Code of Hero really was. Best Eps. EVER. The song also. Very...appropriate right now. I wish I was as cool as Dinobot then it wouldn't matter but,I just feel this...way. I'm feeling sort of...destined, sort of..like fate wants me to do something that's totally against the very core of my being and well, it sucks. | | Tuesday, August 7th, 2007 | | 10:40 am |
Well..I guess things are a bit better. Talked to someone that I haven't talked to in a while, and things went okay. It started kinda rocky but, eventually it felt like the old talks. It was good. It made me think, which this person always does. Makes me think. How can somebody know so much about a person that the mere sound of the voice can provoke such clarity of thought? Who knows? Maybe...that's part of my pearl. In retrospect, my revelation during my slight insanity was something of a comfort. While I want to know what that was, what great cosmic truth was revealed; I'd rather not go crazy to figure it out. To those who know the story, I need to find the pearl on my own. I've taken to watching Doctor Who again. I'm currently downloading as many eps. as I can find. I have all the recent series and am looking for the OLD SCHOOL series. Most notably the Third (Jon Pertwee) and Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker), which I grew up with watching public television. I loved that show. It was pretty cool for the time. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hatori_1181 told me there was a MASSIVE torrent with like, every epsisode EVER. Can't seem to find that...If you have a link buddy, throw it in an e-mail. Been reading and scribbling. Maybe I'll have something ready for Neko-con. I'm hoping I can finish the SoulCalibur chibi's. There's always that plan. The dog has taken to sleeping in my room, a habit that she'll have to be cured of seeing as I probably won't be around later. I don't want it to end up like fry's dog and waiting for someone that won't come home. I don't want to break a puppies heart. I'm not THAT much of a bastard. | | Monday, August 6th, 2007 | | 1:38 am |
I was waiting since that call on friday; I was going to wait longer but, I have the feeling that at this point I shouldn't. What's the point? Nothing, I guess I'm still stupidly optimistic. I need to cure that. | | Thursday, August 2nd, 2007 | | 10:03 am |
success.
CONTRARY to someones belief.. I actually slept. zenboiuke and hatori_1181 Thanks guys..quiet contemplation and meditation worked. It's been a while since I worked it out like that. I'm feeling much better I must have fallen asleep somewhere around 4am. I don't rightly remember It just happened. I'm feeling much better. Exhausted but, much better I think I'll take a few cat naps today. My mind is quiet strangly enough. It's gotta be the search for the pearl. I worked on trying to find that for along time, not that I found it or anything it's just metaphoric. While the story is simple finding it is the hard part. While I am saddened that some don't understand what happened to me. ( I rightly don't understand why this really happened either.) It's over I think. I hope. I can say one thing. I figured it out I think. The chaos and turmoil of my head is clear. For the first time in over a week I think I'm better off. I've lost some things in this process but, all healing comes at a price. You have to be hurt before you can heal and while I have lost; I know I'll be stronger for it some how, as cliche as that sounds. " Some things are worth getting your heart broken for..." It's true. I'm glad I have the strength to say that now. While I don't like it and it's not "fair". I can't argue with it. I have to thank you for the time. All that time. Wonderful. I'd not trade it for anything else in the world. If I can't be happy, I can at least be busy trying to get there. | | 2:29 am |
sounds
Doors. A voice. singing. I can some times "see" time. Like a film strip moments jump from one to the next. Singuklar moments. Hops in passing time. im losing the coherent perseption if time. its jumps now like one instance a pause thenanother a voice, familiar. worried. inmy head? yes. sleep eludes me still. resting mind to not crazy. Yes. Good. Adrift on the river. Searching for the pearl..pearl of the way. Empty-mind finds the pearl in thestory. must be like him. yes. I'm okay. Im alwyas okay. | | Wednesday, August 1st, 2007 | | 11:39 pm |
Interesting
The decent continues. I can hear things...sounds. Sorta like a door opening, sometimes birds. Not outside but inside closets and pantry. I heard water a little while ago. running water like a stream in my floor. I lay in bed since 1..6pm called juliekarasik Mind focused a bit, it's been a while sisnce I heard her voice. I cought her up. She was worried about me being so angry. Syas internaldiversion of anger is symptom of clinical depression or somesuch thing. Talked a while about things..can't rightly remember it all. it's sorta blurring together. Funny..Note to self: I'm haveinmg memory trouble ansd typing. I'll try sleeping again..closing my eyes makes for poor visions. Will endure though. someday i'll loko back on tthis and see it for teh purposes |
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